


Losing Battle, Losing Mind

by ChemCat



Series: Double Meanings [2]
Category: Ai no Kusabi
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 00:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemCat/pseuds/ChemCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raoul’s thoughts on Katze and the turmoil the ex-Furniture causes in his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Battle, Losing Mind

Raoul locks the bedroom door and leans heavily onto the wall. What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? To explode like he did, and in front of the mongrel at that. To show the face Tanagura has so seldom seen. And then, to tell that disgusting ex-Furniture to bring the documents to his private study? He, obviously, was—no, **is** out of his mind.

 

_How many times, have I told Iason not to succumb to his desires? To any emotion at all! And now…no, I don’t want to understand him now. Especially, now._

 

The Blondie crosses the room, sits on the armchair, and covers his face with gloved hands.

 

_Who am I trying to fool? No matter what I’d do now, it will come out wrong. He is not a fool. He’ll know…if he doesn’t already. He knows.  
_

 

For a proud Raoul any show of emotion is a disgrace. The thought that an ex-Furniture can be a source of his unease is piercing Raoul’s ego. Until now, only Iason was ever allowed to witness the passion that is always boiling just beneath the surface.

 

_Iason._

 

It feels as if never used nerves contract causing a sudden pain. Raoul closes his eyes, but the burning beneath the eyelids doesn’t stop. Instead, a cool moisture marks its way down his cheeks. Surprised, Raoul lifts a hand to wipe the wetness, and for the very first time in his life, the Blondie looks at the world with different eyes. Eyes of someone, who suddenly was shoved out of the dark dungeon into the bright sunlight.

 

_Am I crying? Does it always feel like this? Is that what being a human means? A human?_

 

The thought causes him to open his eyes and sneer with disgust. Just a moment ago, he was berating himself for showing **any** emotion and now, he is comparing himself to a mere lowlife? He pushes off of the chair, whipps around, and storms out of the bedroom shouting at his Furniture to bring him wine.

 

_That will calm me down before that damned Katze arrives._

 

Half way through the glass however, Raoul notices that after alcohol thoughts of Katze don’t go away. Rather, they swarm and swirl in his head, bringing out the image of marred beauty. Of pale skin. Of sadness in Katze’s eyes. Raoul slams the wine glass onto the floor. Drops of red liquid stain his boots and for a moment, he wishes they were blood. **His** blood. **His** punishment for attachment to Riki. To Iason. To life. **His** payment for Raoul’s torture.

 

_Katze_.

 

Blondie shakes his head. Instead of calming his nerves, the wine has brought nothing but chaos and murderous thoughts into his head. Thoughts that should never exist in **any** Blondie’s mind. Thoughts, which in consequence, could only bring him closer to death. To the ultimate sacrifice made by Iason.

 

_I’m not like you, Iason. I’ll never be like you._

 

Gloomily, Blondie falls back onto the armchair and balls his fists.

 

_I won’t self-destruct like you, Iason. I want to live. I want…_

When his Furniture announces Katze's arrival, Raoul walks into the study with a firm resolution of ignoring, or better yet insulting, his ‘guest’ - a retribution for sins Katze isn’t even aware of committing. Hovewer, one look at the ex-Furniture sends the Blondie’s resolve crumbling down; and when Katze looks him straight in the eyes, all the wine Raoul’s drunk goes straight to his head.

  
THE END


End file.
